Conversations
by Moirailis
Summary: Rin wasn't ready to have this conversation. He didn't want to face Haruka, not after the Iwatobi Medley Relay.


_i have a lot of feelings for rin matsuoka and they all hurt me terribly and episode 8 made this happen huffhuff_

* * *

_Nanase-san's club has entered the relay…!_

When Nitori first announced to Rin that Haruka and the rest of the Iwatobi swim club were in the relay, he was sure his kouhai had been mistaken. Perhaps he had just seen a team with strikingly similar features to the Iwatobi team. Surely they wouldn't enter a relay, not after their embarrassment from the previous day.

_Besides, Haruka didn't swim in relays._

But there they were, directly in front of him, Makoto on the starting block, and then in the water, positioned to kick off the wall in his signature backstroke. That was the first hit. The fact that Makoto was in the water, was pulling ahead and there was the turn, caused his fists to clench. He could feel the burning at the corner of his eyes, but he bit them back, sharp teeth digging into the inside of his bottom lip.

_Don't._

Nagisa was in the water, head bobbing above and below the surface as he surged forward in his signature breaststroke. His fists clenched tighter as he remembered the way Nagisa always sped up past the turn, and realization hit him like a ton of bricks. This was a Medley Relay - four swimmers, four styles. Backstroke, breaststroke, butterfly and freestyle. His eyes widened a fraction as Nagisa hit the wall, and the third Iwatobi swimmer dove in, his form perfect.

_That's __**my**__ stroke…_

The (poor, in his opinion) attempt at Rei doing the butterfly stroke was like a punch to the gut. He felt short of breath, his anger (or was it anxiety?) rising as he watched this newcomer butchered his favored stroke, moving along the turn and heading back to the starting block. His eyes left the current swimmer, instead moving to look at Haruka, who was pulling his goggles on over his swim cap. Their eyes met, and Rin knew his expression was betraying him.

_How could you replace me?_

Haruka's eyes were wide, his own shock betraying him at seeing the utterly destroyed look on Rin's face. This was a mistake. This had gone too far.

_ We didn't replace you. You left us._

Rin swallowed thickly as Haruka turned away, pulling the goggles over his eyes. Rei touched the wall, and Rin was forced to watch as Haruka dove into the water. He didn't want to watch Haru race. He didn't want to see his team finish a Medley Relay without him. He could feel the burning return to his eyes and his breathing get shallow once more. He couldn't do it. He couldn't watch as Haruka reached the turn and jet back to the starting block, leading the others.

Yet… he did. And he couldn't help but regret it as his jaw clenched, fingers digging into his palms, and he could vaguely hear Nitori calling his name as Haruka turned to look at him once again.

He looked pathetic, and he couldn't bring himself to change his expression as he turned, walking out of the watch platform and back into the hallway. He was shaking, and he was sure his nails had bitten into the skin of his palms from how tight his fists were clenched and the light drip of liquid down the ends of his knuckles.

_I feel sick._

One hand gripped the wall to steady himself. The more he stood, the more sick he felt. It took effort for him to lean against the wall, eventually to slide down it, gaze locked onto the floor. His heartbeat was too loud in his ears and he was hyper aware of his surroundings.

He didn't like this.

"-ai. Matsuoka-senpai…!" That was Nitori, wasn't it? Yeah, he was sure that was the sound of his little pilot fish chirping away from next to him. "Matsuoka-senpai, are you alright…?!"

He wanted to answer, he didn't want to make Nitori worry any more than he already was, but he couldn't vocalize anything. He did, at least, manage to shake his head to signal to his kouhai that no, he was not alright.

"A-ah..! I'll go get Mikoshiba-senpai! M-maybe he'll know what to do!" And then the sound of Nitori running to find Mikoshiba reached his ears, but that didn't matter. It didn't matter if Mikoshiba approached him and attempted to help him, because nothing would help him right now. Mind racing, heart thumping.

He wanted to escape. There was nothing he wanted more than to leave, to not be anywhere near the water. Near Iwatobi. Near Haruka.

He was still too close to the relays, but he was frozen in his place. How was he going to compete for Samezuka during the team's medley in such a state? Would Mikoshiba replace him with someone else, just as Haruka had?

"Matsuoka…!" Mikoshiba must not have been far, for Nitori to have already found him. A hand was on his shoulder, a hand he recognized as Mikoshiba's. "Oi, Matsuoka! The hell's the matter with you…?!"

If he had been able to look up, to look Mikoshiba in the eye and tell him that he just needed to calm down, he would be fine, just fine.

"Ah…" He would recognize that voice anywhere, even if they hadn't said anything yet. "Isn't that… Rin?" He cursed Makoto's height for allowing him to see over the pieces of his team that had crowded around him.

Rather, he cursed the entire Iwatobi team for returning to the building before he had gained control of himself once again.

"Ehh, looks like Rin-chan is having another attack… Wonder why he's getting one now?" Damn Nagisa for drawing Mikoshiba and Nitori's attention to the quartet.

"You know what's wrong with Matsuoka-senpai?"

_Shut up, Nitori…_

"Mm! Rin-chan gets sick when he gets too upset or stressed out! He has ever since we were in elementary school! But I wonder what sparked it this time…"

_Shut up, Nagisa…_

"Perhaps its better if he doesn't race in the medley, then."

_Shut up, damn replacement…_

"Who are you to make decisions for me?"

_Shut up, Mikoshiba…_

"Now, let's just… calm down. What Rin needs right now is to calm down, anyways. We're not helping at all."

_Quiet, Makoto… All of you, be quiet…_

"But…!" "Shh, Nagisa." "But I want to help Rin-chan!"

"He's not yours to help anymore!"

_Nitori…!_

He could hear the flinch come from Makoto and Nagisa, though Haruka remained oddly silent. He could hear footsteps approach him, before stopping next to him. He didn't have to look to know they were Haruka's. He knew the other would end up finding him, in the end.

"Could you leave us, for a moment?" He flinched slightly, upon hearing Haruka speak. A hand came down on his shoulder, though this time, it wasn't Mikoshiba's.

He wasn't ready to have this conversation with Haruka.

* * *

working on the conversation between rin and haruka


End file.
